I have been struggling the past couple of months over this topic and I feel like it needs to be shared. It is not something I am truly proud of myself over, but it is something that I know that other people around me struggle with as well. My life has been incredibly overwhelming the past couple of years–graduating from college, getting married, having a baby, etc. all within a three-year period. There’s a LOT of emotion to take in such a short time. And I can literally feel my heart, my mind and my spirit getting exhausted and I’m sad that I’m not more happy. You’re probably thinking, “What? How could you not be happy? You just had a baby! That’s so wonderful!” And believe me I could not feel more worse for not being more happy in my life right now. And please don’t go assuming it is postpartum depression. Trust me, that’s not my problem.
Until it hit me today as I was taking care of my sick baby. Bug and I stayed home from church today, so I’ve been trying my hardest to still feel the spirit in our home and get my spiritual fill for the week by reading some scriptures and conference talks. I was sitting there meditating and reading while Bug slept in my arms when I realized what is really missing in my life. I read a scripture in Doctrine & Covenants 59: 23:
He who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.
Happiness isn’t what I’m truly searching for. I used to think that my life is in this constant pursuit for happiness, but now it seems clearer to me. Happiness can only be found through peace. Peace is really what we are searching for in this life of crazy hard decisions and consequences. It is the ultimate reward. It is what we yearn for in this life in this world full of choices and hardships. It is what we are promised in the eternal life we will have after we die. It is peace that we feel when we are truly content at the end of the day.
When we come at the many cross-roads in our lives, we search for peace to feel happy about our decision. Otherwise we feel anxiety and fear for making the wrong choice. I think that this is what has been missing from my life–the realization that this is what I am searching for. I have been letting my heart and my mind get wrapped up in the whirlwind of deadlines and choices that I haven’t been able to sit back and take in what is going on in my life. I need to take more deep breaths and enjoy the moments that are happening right now. I think we all need to do that every now and then.